Balalar bir-birimen qatty bәsekelesedi, úrysyp, tóbelesip, oiynshyghyn bólisip, tәjikelesip, qaqysyn qorqap jәne t.b. Búl ózdiginen esh qorqynyshty emes. Ata-anany sharshatatyn qúbylys. Ýnemi úrysa beretin bolsa, әdet bolghany. Jalpy esh ziyany da joq. Bala bәseke men aralasudy bireuden ýirenui kerek qoy.

Sondyqtan agha, әpkeleri bar balalardyng joly bolghany. Olardyng kóz aldynda «tiri trenajery» bar. Olar úrysyp-tatulasyp, bir nәrsesimen bólisip, kelisimge kelip ýirenedi. Búl strategiyanyng bәrin bala jastayynan qabyldap, daghdylanyp, kelispegen kezde kelispedim dep, ne kelistim dey alatyn bolady, qalasa úrysyp, qalamasa basqa bir amalyn qarastyrudy ýirenedi. Yaghni, jaghdaydy damytudyng jaqsy bastamasy bar: eger bala úrysyp, tóbelespese eshqashan bәsekelesudi ýirenbeydi. Sondyqtan olardyng bәsekelesui qalypty jaghday.

Eger ýlkeni kishisin ýide úryp, soghyp, kýn kórsetpese, siz oilaghanday әdepti sóilespese, biraq aulagha shygha qalsa kishisine qamqor bolyp, ol qúlap qalghanda ýlkeni jetip kelse, basqa bireu tiyiskende ýlkeni qorghap alsa, onda bәri dúrys. Onda balalargha alandamanyz. Olardyng qarym-qatynasy qalypty dengeyde. Olarmen dúrys sóilesu, syilasu turaly kóbirek pikirlesu kerek. Kiykiljing tughanda mәseleni qalay sheshu kerektigin ýiretiniz. Úrysty azaytyp, kelisimge keluding amaldaryn kórsetiniz. Jaqsydan odan artyqqa degen úmytylys payda bolady.

Biraq keyde qaradýrsin qatelikter ketip jatady. Bar jaqsylyqty joq qylatyn jaghdaylar tuyndap ketui de yqtimal. Onday qatelikti óz otbasynda sonday qatelikpen ósken adamdar jiberedi. Múnday jan jarasy bar adamdar óte kóp. Kóbine ýlken әpke, aghalar. Bir ýiding túnghyshy bolghandar.
Ata-ana ýnemi kóp júmys isteydi. Kishisin kóbine ýlkenderi baghady. Kishilerin baqqan ýlkenderi ózderi ata-ana bolghanda osynday jan jarasy baryn sezedi. Kishi bala tughan kezde ýlkenining balalyq shaghy bitip qalghan. Ýlkeni kishisine 6-7 jastan bastap jauapty bola bastaydy. Kishisin oinatu, oiynshyghyn oghan beru, ýnemi kishisining erkeligin kóteru, sonyng qalauyn oryndau, ózinikin shetke ysyrugha mәjbýr bolady.

Kóbine ata-ana ýlkenin erte ósti dep ony erkeletudi, qamqor boludy, meyirimin berudi úmytyp, ýsti-ýstine talaptaryn kóbeytedi. Kishisi jylasa ýlkeni aiypty, kishisi qúlasa ýlkeni aiypty, kishisi oiynshyghyn jinamasa da ýlkeni jauapty. Osydan baryp qarym-qatynas qalypty jaghdaydan auytqidy. Keyde bir adammen qarym-qatynas tek qayghy-múng tudyrsa, onday adammen baylanysty ýzging keletini bar.

Keybir ata-analar ýlkenine kishisin tapsyryp, menshiktep qoyatyny sonsha, ýlkenderi kóbine sol jauapkershilikti ómir boyy arqalap ótetini bar. Tipti eseyip ketken song da. Kishisi eseye almay, jauapkershilik aludy ýirene almay qalady. Óitkeni, ol da ata-ananyng qamqorlyghynyng ornyna surrogat alghan. Qansha jerden aqyldy, meyirimdi bolsa da 6 jasar bala ata-ananyng ornyn basa almaydy. Myng jerden ata-ananyng talap etken ýdesinen shyghyp túrsa da balanyng aty bala.

Sol sebepti kishi bala da ózine layyqty qamqorlyq pen meyirimge qanbay qalady. Qúmyrasy tolmaydy. Ol tek surrogatqa qanaghat etti. Qúmyrasy tolyspady, separasiya jýrmedi (bir zatty ekinshisinen aiyru), múnday bala kóbine infantilidi kýiinde qalady, birdenege tәueldi bop, ómirlik qiyndyqtaryn sheshe almay, túraqty qarym-qatynas qúra almay. Al, ýlkeni kerisinshe kóp nәrsege qol jetkizedi. Ózine senimdi bolyp ósedi.

Jauapkershiligi myqty bolady. Biraq adamgha senui tym qiyn. Onyng bireuden kómek súrauy qiyn. Ózgening qoldauyn qabyldauy ekitalay.

Búnyng bәri ómirlik manyzy bar qúbylystar. Ol otbasylyq qarym-qatynasqa da, dostyqqa da әser etedi. Sodan adam orta jasqa jetkende ómir sýru yntasy tausylyp qalghanday kýy keshedi. Ýnemi ózgelerding jýgin arqalap ótuden sharshaydy. Ózgeden kómek súra almaudan qinalady.

«Kishisine qara, soghan ber» degenning astarynda «bizge qiyndyq tudyrma» degen sóz túr. Kishi balagha sen qara degen emeurin. «Sen onyng aitqanyna kónesin, ony oinatasyn, ol ýshin bәrin isteysin. Ol jylamasyn. Biz oghan uaqyt bólmeyik» degen sóz. Ata-analyq resurstyng jetispeui, ata-ananyng uaqyt tapshylyghy, sharshauy, kishi balagha uaqyt bóle almauynan olar bar jauapkershilikti ýlkenine artyp qoyady. Búl dúrys emes.

Ludmila Petranovskaya, psiholog

Audarghan Shynar Ábildә

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