Mende naghyz dos joq, әriptester men dostar, joldastar ghana baryn keyin bildim. Sol sekildi mende ishek-qarny aralasqan, jalghyzdyghym men janymdy týsinetin tuys joghyn da kesh sezdim. Mende ózimnen basqa eshtene joq, tipti tvorchestvoma da eshqashan qanaghattanghan emespin. Búl – týnilu emes, ómirge, ózi ózine ýnilu.

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Mening últym ylghy da aldamaq bolyp, ózi aldanumen keledi. Sondyqtan basynan sipasan, basybayly qúlyng bolugha beyil... Anqau da adal...

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Teniz shetinde qyrdan domalap týsken nar tastar jatady. Teniz tolqysa su ishinde, qaytsa qúrlyqta qalady. Ol tastyng eki otany bar, biraq, ekeui de ony moyyndamaydy.

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Kalendaridyng әr betin jyrtqan sayyn taghy bir tamasha kýnimdi óz qolymmen jerlegendey sausaqtarym dirildep ketedi.

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Mektep qabyrghasynda jýrgende armandaudyng ýlken mәni baryn óz basymnan keshtim. Jurnalist bolam dedim – boldym. Al, klastasym Jenis úshqysh bolam dedi – boldy. Demek, qiyaldaudan asqan arghymaq joq.

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Aurudyng jaqsysy, adamnyng jamany bolmaydy.

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Qazirgi adamdardyng bәri asyghys. Biraq qayda asyghyp bara jatqandaryn ózderi de bilmeydi. Bilse, asyqpas edi ghoy...

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Kórkem shygharma degenimiz – ómir atty alyp kitapty oqu arqyly jasalghan konspekti ghana. Sondyqtan da, bizder – jazushylar ómirding mәngilik studentterimiz.

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Rokuell Kentting «Eto ya, Gospodi» avtobiografiyasyn qarap shyqqan son, dәl osynday ómirbayandyq shygharma jazghym keldi. Al mening ómirim – óz zamandastarymnyng ishindegi eng qyzyqtysy.

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Býgin ejelgi júrt – shygharmashylyq ýiine keldim. Bayaghy bazary tarqamas qyzyghy da, qyzy da kóp kýnder adyra qalghan. Jym-jyrt tynyshtyq. Kәribaydy kórdim. Dulat pen Beksúltan da osynda dep estidim, әli kórgenim joq. Men esik aldynda aibyn bolyp otyratyn Ghabendi saghyndym. «Assalaumaghaleykum!» dep amandasatyn aqsaqal taba almaudan ókinishti ne bar eken! Men songhy tórt-bes jylda esh nәrse jazghanym joq. Aqshadan qysylghan song «Qasiret» degen tarihy drama jazyp edim, kónilim tolmady. Tipti qalamnan qol jazyp, jatyrqap qalghanym sonshalyq, zauqym soqpaydy. Bәlkim, bererimdi berip alyp, endi eki balam ýshin ómir sýrip jýrgen shygharmyn.

Týsten keyin sebelep janbyr jauyp, túman basty. Qyzyq, әtesh shaqyryp, qoy manyraydy. Qozylaghan bolu kerek. Qalada otyryp, auyldy saghynghanda – múnday tosyn ýn estu janyndy jarylqaydy eken.

1987, IV-VIII

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HH ghasyrdaghy qazaq әdebiyetinde bir-aq alyp suretker bar. Ol – Áuezov. Ol – teniz bolsa, biz – kólshik. Ol – bәiterek bolsa, biz – manayyndaghy balapan. Asylynda, jalghyz ashy shyndyqty moyyndaghanymyz abzal. Múqang bizsiz... bir ózi bolsa da jalghyzsyramas edi.

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Qazaq әdebiyeti men ónerinde dәl qazir eptep toqyrau bar. Ýrdis ósetin kýn jaqyn. Jaqyn bolghanda 200 jyldan son. Ol shaqta bireu bar, bireu joq. Men ózim... joq bolamyn-au.

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Nege ekeni belgisiz, kórkem shygharma oqugha bala jastan beri zauqym joq. Álemdegi maqtauly әdebiyetting aidarynan jel esken shoq tuyndylaryn jútynyp-aq qolgha alamyn, amal qaysy, qyzyqtyrmaydy. Bәri bayaghydan belgili dýnie siyaqty, tanqaldyrghan emes. Sodan song ózinshe oy aitqan tústaryn sholyp, attap-búttap, paraqtay bastaymyn. Al kerisinshe, tanymdyq әdebiyetter tartady.

Ózim de solarsha jaza alatyn senim men sezim nege basym eken mende?

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Korney Chukovskiy: «Pisateli v Rossiy doljen jiti dolgo». Al qazaq jazushylary odan da kóp jasauy kerek.

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Qyzyq, qalada milliondaghan halqy bar qalada túrghan kezinde tughan jerin, tipti óz ýiing – óleng tósegin, ýielmenin, aty-jón, ata teging baryn úmytasyn. Ony qoyshy, aspanda ay men kýn baryn sezbeysin.

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Taghy bir qyzyghy, qala adamdary bir-birimen tyghyz túrghan sayyn aralary suyp, bótensy bermek. Meninshe, bәrimizdi «shahar» dep atalar ýlken (alyp) mashina qorabyna salyp alyp, qasaphanagha (qaranghy kórge) әketip bara jatqanday qorqynyshty.

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Biz barlyghymyz birdey kýletin, birdey sóileytin, birdey oilaytyn, bir-birimizding artyqshylyghymyz ben kemshiligimizdi bayqamaytyn, mәngirip jýre berer «del-sal» dep atalar dәri iship alyp, sendelip jýrgen sekildimiz.

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Kóktóbedegi telebaghana qolynda shamy bar Almatynyng kýzetshisi sekildi.

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Men keyde ózimdi qos әinekting eki arasynda qalyp qoyghan shybynday beyshara da qauqarsyz sezinem. Keyde jaghalaugha jete almay búzylyp, yakorige kógendelip qalghan Núq qayyghynday jansyz da dәrmensiz sezinem. Al keyde jel tiygen órttey lapylday sharpyp janatynym, Altaydyng aqiyghynday zengir aspanda qalyqtap qaysar qylyq kórseterim bar. Qayghysy men quanyshy jalghasa jarysqan taghdyryma rizamyn da, tәuba, shýkir deymin. Biraq... tym-tym qúiryq-jalsyz qaldyrghan joqpysyn, Tәnirim?

Mening zamandastarymnyng ishindegi bilimdarlyghy joghary, әdebiyet auylyna Áuezovtik dayyndyqpen kelgen eki jigitti bólekshe ataghym keledi. Olar – Ábish (Kekilbaev) pen Múhtar (Maghauiyn).

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Býkil adamzat saghan qarap túrghanday, óz-ózindi sheksiz jauapkershilikte sezingende ghana oilaghan maqsatyna jete alasyn.

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Men әr shygharmamdy jazugha otyrghan sayyn eng alghashqy әri eng aqyrghy shygharmagha kiriskendey kónilim tolqyp jýreksinemin.

Ghabit Saparbekovtyng feysbuk paraqshasynan

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